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Why in the World Would You Think You’re Not Sexy?
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Whatever you believe about yourself will be what you are. Believe it.
Not long ago, I noticed a comment on FB made by a friend beneath a picture of her and the guy she just started dating. “I’m definitely dating WAY above myself!” she exclaimed. I, on the other hand, smiled sadly.
I was certainly happy that she has found a guy she thinks so highly of, and I felt pained – for her, for me, for all the other women (and men) out there – that feel they aren’t worthy enough.
I understand her predicament well; I know she and I have shared similar sentiments over the years. Go for the “better” guy who isn’t really into you and will just dick you around (or flat out not be interested). Not be into the sweet, loving, head over heels for you guy that just wants a tiny little chance but who is just a little…well…flat. Believe you can’t get a guy who’s hot, sweet, and interested.
Want what you can’t have, not what you can. It’s a depression-inducing, bitter-prone pattern to be stuck in.
Couple that (yeah, yeah, pun heaven) with the opposite deep-seeded doubt – I wasn’t as pretty as those girls who could get any guy they wanted; I thought I’d never quite fit into the comfort of being touchy-feely with someone in public; I was worried about what would happen in a relationship once the excitement of “does he like me?” petered out and we were just sitting there, watching TV like my parents and every other boring couple I knew.
And I wonder why I was stuck?
The Old Days
I tend to divert my attention when UNC pride is illuminated by all those friends on Facebook that were there with me. I wonder, what would my life have been like had a gone to a small, liberal arts university instead of a huge school full of gorgeous southern women and guys who were total dorks in high school but suddenly found themselves in the gender minority and a “cool” fraternity?
Given, I can’t really blame UNC for the negative view of myself I developed in college, but the situation as it was didn’t help. I can recall the stories of certain sororities where girls constantly ran to the bathroom after house dinners to surreptitiously rid themselves of their now extra weight. I remember a striking friend who tried to commit suicide after her downright ugly boyfriend dumped her for another woman. My high school boyfriend broke up with me because I didn’t fit into his college frat world.
I got caught up in this idea of who I was because of what I was surrounded by, and the freshmen 15 (and sophomore 20) didn’t exactly help. My self-worth, and self-love, was basically nonexistent by the end of my four years there.
I saw myself as short, dumpy, and basically unlovable. And you know what? That’s what I became.
Time to Change
If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging. – Brené Brown
The first time in my 20s that some guy told me I was sexy, I looked at him with irritation and disbelief. ‘Nice try’, I thought. ‘Trying to butter me up isn’t gonna get you in my pants.’
I just knew I wasn’t sexy.
Thing is, I wanted to be considered sexy. I wanted to walk across a room and guys to think, “Daaaaamn!” (well, at least some of them). I longed for acceptance, of the beauty of my body, of the beauty of my face, of the beauty of just me. It was frustrating not to find that.
Brené Brown spent 10 years studying shame, authenticity, and connection. In her article late last year on CNN, Want to be happy? Stop trying to be perfect, she writes that in her studies, the one thing she found that separated men and women who feel a sense of love and belonging from those who don’t is the belief in their own worthiness.
That’s right. That’s what it takes.
No one else is gonna find you worthy if you don’t first believe that about yourself.
If you want to smack me across the face right now, I understand the sentiment. I think I’ve heard some variation of this statement around about 250 billion times in the past eight years or so (California living, you know). I was like, “yeah, yeah, I think I’m worthy, but no one else does!”, which really was just a ridiculous attitude that says it all.
Repeat After Me
It wasn’t until I started paying closer attention to those repetitive thoughts that linger just underneath the surface, so well-rehearsed that we don’t even realize we’re having them, that I realized my view of myself hadn’t changed much from college.
My body had, my purpose had, my confidence had, but I still grasped firmly to the belief that there were so many little things wrong with me that I couldn’t attract the kind of guy I wanted, that I wasn’t sexy.
Then I realized (I mean, really started to get it) that just like everything else, being sexy is truly a state of mind. You may again want to smack me, and again, I understand. But I speak only truth.
Over the last several years, I’ve picked up little threads of compliments from others, lots and lots of love and positive reinforcement from myself, and being in my body through dance and yoga that I’ve weaved together into my own form of sex appeal. It’s not the one you see in the media, but it’s my brand and it’s real.
I also became clear on how I pushed relationships away by both my belief system about myself, and what I thought it meant to be in relationship.
Being sexy may not be important to you, but I know something that you think you don’t have is – assertiveness, patience, strength, ease. The ability to flirt with life (or members of the sex you prefer). Something you see in others that you are jealous of them having and you not. Determine what that “thing” is, and watch your thoughts patterns around it – I guarantee a negative chain runs under the surface.
Getting unstuck means breaking that chain and sparking the flame of believing in yourself.