Shallow Men: A Big Waste

I had a conversation with a guy some weeks ago about what he’d consider to be his ideal woman. He said, in this order, and I’m not kidding you:

• Perfect body
• Perfect face
• Big boobs
• Blonde hair
• Lots of money
• Smarter than Einstein
• Funny/Great personality
• Can carry on a great conversation…..

Notice how the most superficial traits ascend towards the top and the most important ones land on bottom?

I regurgitated reiterated this to a guy friend who laughed and said, “Might as well tell him to scrape up some DNA, and with some power tools, start constructing her from a Petri dish in his garage.”

People like this don’t exist.

I recently read an article on Loveawake free dating site that “surveyed” men (doesn’t state which men or where they came from) on what they consider to be “girlfriend material”.

It laid out in fine detail, “Pert boobs, pert butt, is sporty, can eat like a linebacker but doesn’t gain weight, stays on top of her weight, loves to watch his favorite sport all day and night, has super long hair, and can be ready to leave the house in 10 minutes or less without any makeup…”

Please. If you can find a chick like this, bring her to me and I’ll go out with her myself.

I think women should start drumming out our own list of unrealistic ideals and spread them around society in the same poisonous dogmatic way. A woman’s ideal man should aspire to be a bit more like this:

• Has a V-shaped Adonis figure. 
• Has chiseled square jawline. 
• Has beautiful perfect tanned skin. Aye-aye Captain.
• Has pecs you can sink your teeth into (sorry moobs don’t count). Roger that.
• Is hung like an elephant. BIG check.
• Has more money than the Sultan of Brunei. 10-4.
• Has the panache and wit of Robert Redford. Most certainly.
• Is as drop dead gorgeous as Zac Efron. Without a doubt.
• Loves to cook and clean. Yes indeedy.
• Can hump all night every day of the week. Oh goodness YES!
• Loves raw oysters, hence the hump all night capability. For sure!
• Has 8-pack abs. Most def!!
• Is funny……
• Is sweet……
• Isn’t a douche……
• Is interesting……
• Is smart……
• Loves oral……
• Isn’t cheap……
• Is faithful……

The list can go on and on. Women may just have to start a nationwide campaign to measure a man’s worth, or lack thereof based on all the traits on this list. Then we’ll get to see how today’s men measure up.

Guess what? They won’t measure up and we know it. They know it too. And if they don’t, they need to wake the eff up and quit dreaming.

A lot of women aren’t going to waste time deluding themselves so why should men be given that kind of luxury?

Yup, these men call it their list of “dealbreakers“. Lucky for them, the only deals they’re breaking are saving them from tying down a good woman and rendering her a worthless future.

I can honestly say that hearing the first guy nail down, in order, all these characteristics made my stomach more than turn a little, not to mention that it made me a bit sad. Sad for the many women out there, who put up with this kind of belittlement from their boyfriends and husbands.

Although I can’t feel too bad for the stupid women who pick these men. All I can hope for them is they’ll learn a lesson or two.

It feels pretty lousy to be reduced to nothing but what’s on the outside and women are often picked apart in great detail on every facet of their appearance. We’re rated on a scale of 1-10 and we’re either hot, or we’re not. We’re either shagable or we’re not. We’re either marriage material or we’re not.

Since when do men have all the say in the matter? I don’t know about you but I have yet to see a guy out there in the flesh who actually measures up to what he demands.

They ought to take a look at the merchandise they’re peddling and realize that they’re BARELY falling by the wayside of being Leonardo Dicaprio’s dinner after it’s been through the digestive process. They are big fat zeros. I guess they know it deep down, so their dreams are overly magnificent. People have to put faith in something to feel alive.

To these type of men, women aren’t allowed to be any combination of overweight, ugly, dumb, old or poor and if we happen to have any of these traits plus a positive one, the positive one is automatically canceled out as though it doesn’t exist.

And if we’re doomed to the unfortunate fate of having every single one of these strikes against us, we’d best do ourselves a favor and cash in our chips and board the first rocket ship set to out explode just before impaling the moon.

I’ve had to date my share of shallow douches in the past before I really learned anything. I found generally the younger they are, the more propensity there is for them to be shallow. Although being shallow these days, knows no bounds.

I’ve seen plenty of old, fat, hideous moobified pigs who diminish women to being soft wet orifices, when they don’t even deserve to look in the direction of the beautiful women they’re objectifying. Even less so, than to delude themselves with them in pathetic fantasies of sexual grandeur that’ll never be.

However, I did find some solace in hearing the other guy and his perspective on how unrealistic it is for men to aspire to such ideals, proving that there are men who are much deeper than the last few mists left in the bottle of the douche’s Axe body spray.

It’s refreshing to know there are some good men out there. They aren’t rare, they just don’t oppress women too much in their minds or out loud so much that we’ll notice, and act like they’re effing God’s gift to every hot woman on this planet.

Men aren’t the only shallow ones. A lot of women are just as shallow, and we’ll get to have some real fun tearing them apart in a similar fashion in an upcoming article.

For now though, this article can be guised as an ode that caters to the shallow Hals of the world, who make the rest of the men in the human race look pitiful and sad. They themselves, need to gather up and board that rocket ship blasting off to the moon, and let the rest of us subsist on relationships with normal, kind and humble men. Men who are truly important, who don’t serve to undermine our confidence and worth as women.

Just remember boys, you don’t have the right to judge anybody when you’re nobody.

In other words, just get the eff out. You’re a loser.